So what if you get betrayed?

 So what if you get betrayed?

It might seem sudden, but that’s how I feel. Or rather, it’s how I’ve come to feel lately.

You often hear people complain, "I did so much for them!"—feeling like their kindness was repaid with ingratitude. But what about *you*? When someone is kind to you or does you a favor, do you think, "I’m going to pay them back with betrayal"? When you receive a small act of kindness, do you think, "All right, time to repay this kindness with a betrayal! I’ve been waiting for this moment"?

Is there anyone who thinks like that? Even someone with serious emotional instability wouldn't be *that* far gone, right? For instance, imagine you’re sitting on a train with an empty seat between you and the next person. If a pair of people comes along, you might slide over a bit so they can sit together. In those moments, people always say "Thank you" or "Sorry to trouble you." Even if they don't say the words, they convey it through their gestures. You can still feel the gratitude. People vary, of course—young or old, male or female—but everyone shows appreciation. I’ve never once experienced a situation where that didn't happen. I didn't even give up my seat; I just shifted over. Yet, everyone possesses the heart to recognize even that small act of consideration and express gratitude in return.

So, why do people repay kindness with betrayal?

There must have been some serious circumstances involved.

I don't think they betrayed you because they *wanted* to. They likely faced some pressing situation that left them no choice. So, why not just forgive them?

For starters, I don't think even one in ten people repays kindness with betrayal—but let's assume for a moment that it *is* one in ten. That still leaves nine people who feel goodwill toward you, so you’ve already come out ahead. Actually, I believe you’ve come out ahead even if only *one* out of ten people feels goodwill. After all, Ninomiya Kinjiro said that a kindness shown to others returns to you multiplied hundreds of times over—like seeds sown in a field.

So, it’s really no big deal if one person betrays you! But if you keep getting betrayed by one person after another, isn't that a problem?

That’s true. It *is* a problem—on your end. Let’s say you get betrayed by one person. If we assume there’s a one-in-ten chance of encountering such a person, the probability is 1/10. Suppose you get betrayed again. Thinking, "Well, maybe that can happen," you multiply by another 1/10, making it 1/100. If you get betrayed a third time, it becomes 1/10 × 1/10 × 1/10, or a 1/1,000 probability. The odds of being betrayed three times in a row are just 0.1%.

In other words, if you get betrayed three times in a row, there’s a 99.9% chance the fault lies with *you*. The problem is on your side. If you’re someone who feels like they’re constantly being betrayed, you might want to be careful. Perhaps the acts for which you expected gratitude were actually unwelcome—an imposition, a burden, or a hassle—to the other person. You might think you’re doing it for *them*, but in reality, it’s for *yourself* or for your own self-satisfaction. There might be an element of arrogance in the way you go about things.

I’m currently going through a series on great Japanese classics; I just finished the section on Kaibara Ekiken—who, by the way, was a Confucian scholar. You might be thinking, "Another Confucian scholar? How long is this going to go on?" but actually, it’s quite interesting. It turns out Kaibara was a huge health enthusiast. In works like *Yojokun* (Teachings on Preserving Health), he expounds at length on the secrets to longevity. In one part, he says:

"Forgive the faults of others."

That’s a great piece of advice. Not everyone is a "superior man" (a person of virtue). So, even if someone is rude to you or does something you dislike, don't get angry over every little thing. Instead, tell yourself, "They’re just a 'small man' (a person of lesser character), so this sort of thing is bound to happen." Stay magnanimous, don't let yourself get worked up, and just forgive them. He claimed that this was a key to a long life.

In fact, Kaibara lived to be 84—an impressively long life for the Edo period (300 years ago).

So, what does it matter if you get betrayed? That’s why I’ve decided not to get worked up over things and instead aim for a long life—what do you think? Isn't that better than getting all heated and dying young?

Guided by love and mercy

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